I should have buff eyes...cause my eye-lids are heavier than weights. Again. I hate feeling tired. Because i don't (or have got it in my head that i don't) do anything the whole day so there should be nothing feeling tired for. I don't DESERVE to feel tired!!! It's like...i get tired from being tired. Talk about the lowest form of existence. You know, Ronnie James Dio once said in an interview that "sleep is just a waste of time". Of course the organism needs it, it's a necessity for it, but i know that what he meant to say is that - in terms of TIME - ...time doesn't stop when one sleeps. Things still go on! It's sad...even those who live to be a hundred have only actually LIVED 50 years. Minus the first 5 years that few remember...45 is a pretty young age to die. And if 45 is the highest one can go...then you better start making a plan and get on with it! Hah...it's like a job: it claims to pay a certain salary...but almost half of that salary gets taken away for income and taxes. And half is quite the noticeable sum.
I like RedBull. I don't know if it actually has its toll on me or if it's just the placebo acting up. RedBull. It got me through some tough exams during the exam sessions at law school...actually i think i started having feelings for "tha 'Bull" when i had to take an exam the next day, i was beat, i drank it, and was able to study for a whole night just enough to pass that test the next day, it was unbelievable. Of course, i could've broken up with it when one night before hte Constitutional Law exam i had one sip and the next thing i know - the piercing pain from my peritonitis kicked in. It was the last such pain i was going to endure because the pain caused by that sip didn't stop (went on through the exam, through the stress with Roxana not talking to me when we were taking the same test in the same room) until i got the surgery that cost me 3 exams. Which later caused the stress of having 8 exams to retake during the fall session, 8 being a number that pretty much had me canned, sipped my last drop of optimism that i might pass them...and caused me to feel so weak as to fail The Political Institutions exam, which caused to me being expelled form law school, which pretty much cancels out all my two years worth of...living (since i wouldn't get out of the house in order to at least pass, yet i had too hard of a time to keep up with everything). Yes, one could basiaclly draw the conclusion that in a way, RedBull ruined a part of my life (and since this is the last part that has been building up since about 2007, when another part of my life just got ruined...it means my life was ruined twice so far...and you know what they say: third time's the charm). But just like in the case of the lovely Roxana, if i like something or someone, even if they emasculate me, destroy everything i'm worth, cause rifts between my family and i, build up a tension in me so high that it pokes god in the ass, make me tread all over my principles a.s.o.a.s.f. ...i stick with them/it until THEY decide to break it off. If i make a commitment...i try to foresee how the whole thing will go down BEFORE it even starts - that's how i decide if i can go for it or not. not IF...cause i'll do everything in my power to be able to. and it destroys me when it's beyond my powers. And basically everything is. and each of those things destroys me. every thing out of everything. And just because what...cause RedBull tastes nice too? i guess i'm a sucker for exteriors. Superficial love...only for a buck.
I like coffee too but not as much as i would want to. Henry Rollins is a coffee fanatic and he has been sleeping for 2-5 hours per night for almost 30 years. i wish i liked it that much. i wish it liked ME that much...as to actually have a stronger effect than RedBull on me, rather than constantly getting into arguments with my stomach. I just wanna stay up longer...and have more time to think about what i could be doing during the time that i think about what i could be doing.
back to packing. i don't feel less tired after typing this, but no more either. i'm thinking: the title is "this did NOT end the way i pictured it". it never does...but i never learn. it's always new, yet i have the deja-vu feeling. disappointment + the deja-vu of it = double disappointment, if my math serves me correctly. So what am i leaving behind physically, yet in theory am now burdened with for the rest of my path? hmm. a "condemned" and "unique" mother, god bless her. a condemned and unique grandmother (in a different way than the mother), god bless her. two great innocent lives that i could spend a whole day with, and i won;t be allowed to anymore. Impotent attempts at relationships and impotent attempts at sex. (so...literally and figuratively. the whole ambivalence). An obsession (R) and a betrayal (L) both gone array and exaggerated as days passed. a failed college. Pity and disappointment felt by those around me, for me. a mediocre ability to play any instrument, yet the whole reason i couldn't concentrate on anything else was to excel in any one of them. a house that makes me feel incapable of doing anything just when i look at it (considering all the details inside of it), that still is the only place i can call home...but does not feel like it. the most ardent arguments; the most dangerous ground to tread upon when analyzing the psychology of it all. materialism. the thought that i was actually starting to really get involved into the music scene, yet after leaving i'll have to start from scratch in a much fiercer environment. that leads me to a total of catastrophes in: personal life, love life, sex life, family life, profession, hobbies/passions...i think that just about covers all aspects of one's existence and the whole point of it.
now after reading all that...anyone could safely say that i'm fortunate enough to have had all these things to leave behind, most people aren't as wealthy in problems and aren't fully shaped yet. i'm not either...but i can tell you that my contour is pretty odd-looking.
