first post out of the UK

back on the air. the blog's audience missed me. which means...i missed myself.
what an arrogant prick. (three sentences in and the self-denigrating remarks are already kicking in). arrogant for what? i don't understand how this works: i show signs of being arrogant, narcissistic and self-absorbed...yet all of this is to trick myself into thinking i'm the opposite of what i actually feel like. if i would act in accordance with my state of mind...there would be silence. i'm not saying there WON'T be silence...but while analyzing myself i observe some behavioral signs that raise many questions in my head. and answering these questions keeps me going, now that ia have become and experiment to myself, ever since i started...thinking about stuff.
babble babble babble. matei babbles on. on and on and on and on and!

i went to romania for the christmas. i've felt more alone than usual. it was a different type of alone than the first three months in the UK. i think it was a worse form. in the UK, i didn't have anyone to hang out with and feel whole. in Romania, i hung out with everyone, mainly girls, and have felt more far away from them than ever. i think i reeked of desperation. this is what giving attention to people and not seeming like an emotionless asshole gets you in today's world: a void in whatever the fuck is called the soul. damn! if this approach left me feeling like this...how will i trick myself into attempting a different one? i'm dying fast. i lock new doors before even opening them. why so? it's time to stop blaming my problems on others, it's already become about me: i'm at fault. "keep this mentality up and then don't be surprised if therein lies the answer to the mental problems" said i in a sarcastic silent tone of a thought.

i read some of my previous posts and i like them better than this one. i'm losing my ability to write. i should be gaining things now and i should start learning to maintain them, be aware of them. instead i feel like a grain of sand slipping through my own hands.

it's not good. i seem to not know where i'm headed. i'm suspended somewhere with no horizons to guide my landing.

crisis. as time goes by i realize how many things i haven't done when i was supposed to, and become more and more aware of the hypocrisy i kept feeding to myself throughout the years. dare i say i am a retarded form of benjamin button: turning younger day by day in that i become less and less mature.

i don't know. it's a very confusing period. and the confusing period should've passed already. i feel like a teenager. well at least that keeps the spirit young. for what? it's not like i trick time into getting more of it to decide where i', headed.

i'm only tricking myself. after all...it IS my world that i live in, no?

yes.