29.04.2016

Friday. I was a bit late to the game, I haven't felt that well in my mind for a couple of days, I had some errands to run in the morning but wasn't on par with my self-imposed schedule for today, so I postponed another appointment for later on. I hate when I have to do that, change people's programs too, but I'm fortunate when I have the wiggle-room (and especially the other ones involved) in the schedule to do it. It went ok. Time to go get food and combine that trip with another task to finish, when it starts raining outside. And I mean pouring. I don't like that at all, it renders me inactive, lazy, out of ambition to get out. I get it done anyway. Good thing I lived in the UK for 4 years and learned how to get through this weather and still get stuff done. It's quite simple: you set out 100 things to do that are impossible to finish in one day, so you finish as much as you can, so at the end of the day you're frustrated that some tasks are left over for the next day, but then you look back and can't give yourself too much shit for not having done more, because you realize you've been on the run non-stop, sweaty and with aching calves at the end of the day, and it's past midnight. Always keeping busy and wondering how time flies. Gives life a purpose. Keeps my guard up. In some ways... I was on the bus, and as it was pulling out of one station, I see this lady that just missed it, running towards the door and trying to plead for the driver to open the door for her too, as he just shut the door when she was almost there. So it could've easily been done on his behalf. Instead, he drives off, slowly turning the vehicle, but the lady didn't back away as he was pulling away, and I thought she was alarmingly close to the bus, hoping she would take a step back or something. Sure enough, the bus stops and the passengers' gazes are all headed out the window. They looked like they were watching a pigeon pick out some bread-crumbs. They started to mumble something. I see a head. I see a coat. I see the rest of the lady's body as it was lying on the concrete. The bus hit her and she was on the ground, seeming unconscious. I wanted to motion to the driver to open the doors, that she needs help. He was already out, checking the situation. The people (I think all of them elderly) were commenting "oh she was drunk, didn't you see her??" and "yeah, she's a drunk, she always comes around this area, walking around loaded" or "I just saw her collapse 3 more times just on her way to the bus, she's drunk out of her mind, leave her be". So, if someone is drunk, and it somehow causes a discomfort in the day's schedule for those people, we should let the bitch get run over by a bus. She deserves it. That bitch. How dare she attempt to drown her middle-age sorrows with booze and not take in the wonderful life that the country's and especially the capital's population so gently and flamboyantly has to offer? She had a bag and a backpack. The driver and two other men came to help her up. She wasn't bleeding from the head or anywhere, she got up and was crying. It was more of an inner-cry. No tears or snot. Just...a person who seems to be crying and drinking all the time, and then starting it all over the next day. They lifted the bag for her, but her backpack still lay on the ground, as it was soaking in the puddle it fell. It was still pouring outside. It almost seemed like the atmosphere and climate called for an incident like this. And the people. And the comments. She got on the bus - to the dismay of the passengers, who didn't seem to want her on, because they feared she would go on a drunk rant, and if someone's not doing ok and are in a bad state while it pours outside and it doesn't seem like they'll be doing pretty dandy after the sun comes up again either, the drunk just doesn't deserve to be treated like a human being, even granted a bus ride. Deep down, those people were almost sorry that she didn't just collapse and bleed to death. "Yeah, that's what she gets for being drunk...now you die, you drunk bitch! Fuck your colored bags and puffy eyes, and beaten-in nose, fuck all that you stand for, you made us be 2 minutes late and offered us the opportunity to take part in an exciting accident, but now you're ok, with your fucking colored bags and soaked clothes and all!". This man kept telling her that she's drunk and she should "lay off the fucking booze, why don't she". She initially mumbled "ah, why don't you shut up!". He kept at it, to which she replied, still mumbling while trying to regain balance, "if you only know the pains I go through, with or without the booze...". The bus stopped at the last station and most of the people got out. Not her. I went on hopping inbetween puddles, to avoid them, and headed to the music store to buy a pair of drum sticks for the drummer in the band I play guitar in. It's gonna pour like it started today, for the next two weeks.

27.04.2016

Tome to start posting again. I don't think it has to do with feeling the need to write, as it does with maintaining the level of English i currently possess...which has waned a bit over the years anyway. So here goes. These days i keep busy by keeping busy. I seek opportunities to keep me busy and away from home or just constantly on my way somewhere, at all times. It helps me because it doesn't give me any down time to think too far ahead, and just make plans in the near future. Because I realized this is what I have gotten used to, for a long while now. I like making plans for the future, but I find that I'm a bit more productive when I take small steps, so as to not overwhelm myself. I think, these days, my "anchor" activity comes on Sundays, when I set out to complete my "To do list" for the next week. I analyze what i need to do in general, who I need to call, who I need to meet, and so on...and I just follow those tasks, step by step, and always come back to opening that document, to fiddle around with the chronology of the tasks, depending on how the day evolves. This is something I learned from working for Elliot at Discovering Arts Music Group (DAMG) in London. I learned a lot from there. One of my main sources of income these days - an idea and situation I am particularly not proud of, but mostly aesthetically, as it comes in discordance with what I thought I set out for myself to be...or at least, I feel like it's keeping me away from taking that leap into adulthood and enabling me to...grow up a bit - is playing guitar in a band, which will remain unnamed for now, as will most of the people mentioned in this blog. Not because I want to protect their identities, but because I mainly want to get the situations out in writing, regardless of the people involved. We released another video/single today. I have no positive recollections of the songwriting process and video shooting experience. I did, in the beginning, but they ere trampled upon. First because they kept changing the song...I thought its first version was great...then it kept getting ruined by "newer" ideas. it kept getting worse, in my opinion, but I am not the one who takes the main creative decisions in the band, I've accepted my role...for the time being. So frankly, I don't like the song. I liked it a lot in the beginning, now I think it's cute but mediocre. At least I hope the "fans" like it, and that it will open new doors, with it being radio-friendly and all. The video, on the other hand, something that I thought would rekindle my adoration for the song, finding the idea for the video, that is...was a major disappointment. A piece of shit, to be frank. A puerile story line with elements that has been overused so many times before...not to mention that the first version (the one that aired at the release concert) lacked a coherent plot line due to the director omitting to shoot a vital scene for the story. The problem was repaired, but now this brings me back to where I stood on the issue before the plot line bug - before, it was a majestic piece of shit that lacked a coherent plot line, whereas now it is a straight-forward majestic piece of shit, waste of time and money. Again, I hope the others like it it enough for my disdain for it to somehow be veiled by the outside appreciation, so I can at least just enjoy the fruits of this labor, in the form of money and other perks. At the beginning of the show, the drummer told me that I should be careful with how I play, because due to his in-ear monitor, he can hear everything, as in all my mistakes. Ok. See, that's why I don't like playing live. I personally care that the song should sound perfectly and flawlessly recorded OR EDITED in its final released version, that will outlast any of us, once it is recorded. Live...I can only do my best to not mess it up, but I don't like playing live, I'm not a good PERFORMER, I don't feel anything I do comes out perfectly form the first take, and if it does, it's luck. And I'm not a gambler. So at every live show...I gamble. Anyway, I messed up during almost every song, I think, once he warned me that all my mistakes will be heard. Ok, thanks, here's all these mistakes to keep your ears busy, enjoy. I didn't feel very good during the show. I just wasn't in the mood for it. There was this annoying kid that comes at every show of every band and always wants to be in the center of their attention, always begging for merch stuff and just being overly pushy, he was at the side of the stage and kept striking up stupid conversations (along the lines of "hey, can you ask your lead vocalist to give me this and that? hey can you give me 5 more picks? hey, can I keep asking to take stuff from you and act like we're pals for a long time and we talk like bros, WHILE YOU'RE PLAYING THIS SHOW IN FRONT OF THIS SOLD-OUT CROWD???". Good idea. You get a slow clap. Now leave me the fuck alone, please. I don't respond to your messages because they always start (and end with, since I never engage, and always mark as unseen) with "I need to ask you for a huge favor!". No. So there was this, and I just didn't wanna ruin my mood by saying "hey can we do this at some other time when I don't have to listen to whatever it is you think is important, while this cabinet is blasting right behind us at full wattage, and I have to kneel and bend over to listen to you, while I try to play the songs that people paid to hear me play correctly, and not watch me talk to you?". Cause I Don't think he would've gotten it. But from now, next time I see him I'll let him know that I just don't want that anymore, and I'll do my best to move away from where he is when i see him. I didn't like the show at all. I don't think I was good. the only advantage of that is that no one cares about my performance. Not the band, not the fans. They like the energy of the band. I was told by 3 people that night that myself and the DJ seem to be from another movie, that we don't "click" with the rest of the band, as they're energetic and jump around, while said DJ and I seem to be more introverted. I feel like the reason I make mistakes is because i keep spazzing out, trying to be energetic and offer an ok performance on my behalf, by my standards. I guess it doesn't work. i'll take it into consideration. I packed the stuff off stage, and went home, with the girl I'm seeing. A small argument about dropping a phone, and off to sleep we were.