fuck 'em, thought I

I'm selfish??? The only constructive aspect that you get out of throwing words around like wasting water, is the deconstruction of that tension that's been building up. But that piece of tension isn't gone, you just loaned it to ME. Soon enough, you'll encounter something else that will fill that gap...and i'm stuck with an additional source of stress. Talk about imbalance! And OH, i'm like my biological father, really?? ...Well, yes i'll admit that a lot of the behavior we hate in him can be found in me as well...but i guess that's a genetic trait, cause i spend as much time with him as Nicole Richie spends eating, there's no time for his behavior to rub off on me! And even though i know this comparison isn't fair...my constant mistake is that i constantly try to put myself in your shoes as well...and start seeing things the way you see them. Therefore i start blaming myself and i think you're right, but the other part of me doesn't know why!?! so then I'M turned against myself...yet i still wish you ill!! How does that work?? Whose side am i on? both and none.
Now...if my mind is so self-destructive that it's willing to turn itself against me just so it gives you false justice, to take off tension...I'm selfish???

Ask and you shall receive.

You want selfish?? You know, maybe i behave the way i do because i feel i have nothing more to lose. Maybe that blank stare in my eyes are the eyes of someone that has nothing more to lose and has taken all the consequences upon oneself. If the only reason keeping me in this shape has turned against me...well it's time to get the hell out of there, right? I can do that whenever i can, but if you called me selfish all along, i'll get the hell out in a selfish manner. Meaning: doing it anytime, so it takes you by surprise when you least expect it, and on top of it, my favorite, to not leave one single note, one single word, one single sign, one single CLUE on my body or on anything else, as for the reason that it happened for. This way, i'll be selfish even afterward too, because i'll KNOW that like a dark cloud in a surrealist cartoon, like a gray aura, a question will float around you (and everyone else who understood what writes this even less than you did) ubiquitously..."why???". Touche!

Fish has been sold.